The first four months

Wow where do I begin? Not sure why but I feel impressed to write about the "real" things parents go through in the first day through the first four months after loosing a child maybe this will help someone, maybe I will have to deal with another loss, maybe I will write a book, who knows. There aren't many books out there that talk about dealing with the first year. Sure everyone's experience is different but let me tell you about mine. This is not ment to be depressing, so please don't take it that way, it is a chance to share the real "behind the scenes" feelings and experiences and growth. The first four months: I feel hurt and angry when I see a baby girl. Not a boy, but a girl. Sometimes it's not a bad feeling but a feeling of wanting to have someone drop a baby on my doorstep and say, hey I'm not going to take care of her will you? I then proceed to take that baby and raise her as I would Taylor. Now will this happen, no, nonetheless it crosses my mind more than I would like. I see other parents not paying attention to their children and it makes me mad. I was never perfect but I am getting better at parenting. I'm not saying I want another child right now, I just want to feel that void. Having another child would NOT feel that void. It is something that will be there forever. The stages of grief are very real. The emotions are all consuming at times and then other times you can sit back and enjoy the sweet memories and smile. Not every day is completely difficult, but the hard part is you never know when a "trigger" will hit and it can destroy your happy mood. There is also the guilt that comes from being happy. There is Nothing wrong with being happy. In fact; that is what she would want, but this guilt that sits in the pit of your stomach has to be suppressed. In fact I found myself one day trying to look sad one day at church to not minimize what I lost. That's ridiculous, but true. We have all blamed ourselves. What if we did must one thing different that day? I analyzed what I did that day to the last hour and you nitpick at all the things you could have done different. I rejoice in the moments I took to kiss her that day, tickle her, and even say i love you and pat her on the bum. I rejoice that the day before I held her while she took her nap. All the things I did wrong that day I dare not write down, even though I feel I will never forget them, because it can consume you. I say that because it could have consumed me. Some days you dwell on it long enough to have an hour of tears, THEN you dry your eyes and get on with your day. You find your mission that day and you go and do. My mission usually involves being a great parent to the three kids. One of the hardest thing, speaking of guilt, is you would think I would be the most loving mother I could possibly be, but I'm not. I still sink back into my ways. This is not to diminish the progress I've made but to express that even those who have miracles happen in their lives don't always do what's right. You would think, if I were Laman or Lemuel and I saw an angel and he chasend me that I would be more like Alma the younger and would try not to sin again. We are still human. Martin Harris still lost the manuscript, Joseph Smith still asked, why me?, and Jesus said, "father if thou be willing remove this cup from me...." We just need to follow through with the last part of what Christ said, "...nevertheless not my will but thine be done." I try to remember to give in the will of my Father, not my own. I think of the sleepless nights I've experienced or the 14 hours of sleep I would get just to deal with our loss. I thing of those days where I ate nothing for four days and the other days where I drowned my emotions in food. I think of those days where it was too hard to talk to God and then those days where I spent most of the day in prayer. I must say, having a tragedy happen you find out who truly cares about you. you find out who has been in similar circumstances, how people deal with uncomfortable situations, and who believes in God. I've had people ignore me or avoid me-still to this day cause they don't know what to say. I've had people, when you say hello, they brake down into a childlike crying state and I had to comfort them. I had people say all the right things and some say all the wrong things. You recognize play-on words or phrases. The day after Taylor past I had asked someone where's Tyson? Their reply was, "oh your Dad ran him over to his house. Obviously meaning that Doug gave Tyson a ride to his house, but that's not how I processed it right away. You realize how many people say, "oh that would just kill me....if such and such happen..." not in my vocabulary anymore. You realize how often kids say in playing, "i'm gonna shoot you, i'm gonna kill you, or oh your dead." It becomes difficult to hear them play that way. You deal with emotions in so many ways when they are right at the surface. You tend to place blame or turn anger to those not even involved. There are days where you cry all day, then you literally run out of tears. You find days that are "knumb days." you feel nothing cause you are actually drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We all grieve differently.