3 months after Taylor

So to shout it from the rooftop and to the counselor that Eric and I went to see, I am and will always be the mother of 4 kids not 3. The first three months are full of days where u get mad, you're ok, you get weepy all the time, you place blame, you are so wrapped up in your own sadness it's hard to think of other things. The slightest thing will set you into a whirlwind. There are so many triggers all around. We changed bedrooms, and packed all belongs up within two weeks so I could move on. I needed that. I didn't want to loose anything and I didn't want it so much in my face. Nightmares, not sleeping, not eating or eating too much just becomes part of you're days and weeks. Tyson has done so well by two months after and the same goes for Alivia. Natalie has taken more like 4 months to ease up even a little bit. She is so scared that Ali will be hurt. Natalie truly hurts my heart when she has her nightmares ever night at 9:40. She went through a time where she wouldn't wake up she just mumbled nonsense and screamed. It was like reliving that night all over again. It's awful. Those have calmed a bit but she still checks on Alivia all the time and is cautious of cars. Oh time needs to speed up and slow down all at the same time. Natalie is seeing a grief, PTSD, child couselor. It's gone okay. She mostly reads books to Natalie and talks about how everything must die at some point. Maybe that is not the right thing to do but I am doing what I think is right at the time I do it. I find myself avoiding Taylor's picture on my wall by the front door. It's easier sometimes to not be reminded every time I walk down the hallway. I assume that will ease with time, but for now I feel guilty for wanting to hide it all until I want to get it out voluntarily. Some nights I just dream about her. She is so cute. It doesn't help that I've spent so much of my time saving her pictures, making a memory book, and compiling DVDs of her.