Nikki's talk

So many people have asked for copies of our sacrament talks that I figured I could just post it and make it easier on myself. 

Rodger and Melanie Hoffmas wrote:

Jesus climbed the hill to the garden still,

his steps were heavy and slow, love and a prayer took him there  

to the place only he could go

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me, so he went willingly to gethsemane,

he felt all that was sad, wicked or bad, all the pain we would ever know,

while his friends were asleep he fought to keep his promise made long ago,

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me, so he went willingly to gethsemane

the hardest thing that ever was done, the greater pain that ever was known,

the greatest battle that ever was won this was done by Jesus,

the fight was won by Jesus 

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me, so he gave his gift to me in gethsemane

I've thought about these words a lot lately. The song talks about Christ suffering in the Garden of gethsemane  He suffered for all pain, guilt, hurt, sins of every kind you can image. He suffered these for all of us. Well most of u know our daughter died about 4 months ago. I can't believe it has been four months. And this has been my gethsemane  And I feel like we all have our gethsemanies, well this is definitely my deepest and hardest one. I've been asked and people have wondered; has this tested my faith or testimony? Well, to that, I say - of course it has. Trials tend to do that, don't they? They help you find out exactly where your testimony lies. What you believe in. What you feel is true in this lifetime and in the next. Well, we can't truly know until the trial of faith where our faith lies, right? There have been many trials that have tested our faith to it's very core. And when our Taylor died, who was 16 months old, I was reminded exactly how important it is to have a testimony. And I've always had a testimony of the atonement, and yet what was really interesting to me is that it was hard for me to take this trial to the Lord. I've been raised in this church. I've been raised by good parents who taught me about Christ and that your heart could heal. And yet, it took weeks after the funeral for me to take this to the Lord. I was relying on family and friends. I didn't want to take it to the Lord because I felt like somehow it was accepting the reality that I lost her and I really didn't want this as my reality. I felt like if I had taken this to the Lord it was saying that it was ok that she was gone. And to me it wasn't. So I was kinda dealing with it on my own, until I woke up one morning bitter, mad, angry, hurt, frustrated, and all these other emotions I couldn't wrap my head around. And so I took it out on our punching bag in our garage and I punched on it until I literally could not punch anymore. I fell to the ground and I was just sobbing and I thought Ok, Ok, It was time, I'm going to take this to my elder brother. 

So I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. And I prayed like He had no idea what was going on in my life. And I prayed until I could say those words that had been said by Christ himself so many years ago, "Thy will be done". After I said, Thy will be done, in that moment; I was comforted. For me, I had nothing less than a loafs and fished miracle. 

Brothers and Sisters, the veil is thin. God is good. Christ loves us. And this I know for certainty. Christ wants to wrap his arms around you so much when we are hurting and say, "I get it. I've been there. This is why I died for you. This is why I suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane." And a lot of people can say that they've been there, but who really knows exactly how we feel but Christ. 

Now, I do want to explain something, when I said "Thy will be done" to my Father in Heaven, it did not take my trial away. I want to make this clear. It DID help me endure it. "Thy will be done," in a sense, that we can turn our lives over to God's plan. Not our plan, but God's plan. Cause, if you know me I like things a certain way and I'm a planner and this was NOT in my plan. But excepting this reality and turning to God is what needed to happen to let myself heal through the atonement. Now I feel like I have the power to endure this trial after praying and allowing the Lord to help me. Now, the healing process can begin.

I've come to realize that every human has the capacity to heal. Like a broken bone it may not heal perfectly but it can heal. There will always be a hole in my heart because she is not here with us, but the edges of that hole can heal. That broken bone can mend, mostly. We CAN move forward. Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the twelve apostles says, "Does this mean that we always understand our challenges? Don't all of us sometimes have reason to ask, Oh God, where art thou? Yes. We will. When a spouse dies. A companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wonder from the path a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, our weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Then in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying Thy will be done." 

Now we are here on earth to be tested. Our greatest tests are adversity. We all have adversity. It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, how much money you make, or what calling you hold. I like this quote from Shari Dew, "Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, what we really believe, and what we really want to become, and how we feel about our Father and His Son." I like that a lot. I also think that faith is a key componant to all this. Faith doesn't mean that if you live righteously you are never going to suffer. But it does mean that when life happens you have a way to handle it. Often we do not know what you can handle until after the trial of your faith. Like our earthly parents, our Heavenly parents can not shelter us from all aches and pains as hard as they may try. Sometimes accidents just happen. Sometimes we fall and we have to get up. Our Heavenly Father had to let his only begotten son die. Was this easy for him? No. But He rose again, and so will Taylor. 

What an incredibly hard thing Jesus did for us dying on the cross and suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, and what a hard thing our Heavenly parents had to endure to let it happen. God's child also died who was perfect like a sixteen month old baby. I'm so grateful that this life is not the end. I always thought that I would be the one to greet my children on the other side of the veil. But I am comforted by the words of Joseph Smith (he says this at the funeral of a young child), "A mother may ask, will I have my children in eternity? Yes. Yes, mothers you shall have your children. For they shall have eternal life. For their dept is paid."

The doctrine is taught that we will have the joy of nurturing Taylor after her resurrection until her body reaches the full stature of her spirit. We will have greater joy than we can possibly image in mortality because she is free from the sorrow, sins, and disabilities of this life. She is saved for the Celestial Kingdom. I'm one for four. I'm happy about that.

This life is just a moment in the eternities. And I'm positive that my Heavenly Father will continue to give me those sweet tender mercies that come to us to help us endure the trials that we are given. And I want to share one of those tender mercies with you (and I've shared this with a lot of you). I was lamenting one day that I don't have a lot of video of Taylor in a world where we have video capabilities on our phones. I was flipping through my phone and I found two pretty lengthy videos that she had taken of herself. A little baby turning it around seeing her face in the phone. And she taped every little piece of her face and then her toes and her knees. It is sweet. It is tender. We have those a lot. Another reason God is good. 

God's greatest will for us is to find joy. Unfortunately, we can't do this without pain and turning to our maker. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come unto me ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest". If we are tired and weary, if we are suffering we can come to Him. He asks us to come to Him. How do we come to Him? Through prayer. 

So now it's time to keep our mind on the eternal perspective of things. Instead of mourning, we have reason to rejoice that our Taylor is delivered from this lone and dreary world. Like Elder Bowen said in this last General Conference, "I wait for the day when I can reach the fullness of my joy when my entire family will be reunited. Until then, I move forward because joy and happiness will abound in our home. There is much to enjoy in this lifetime. And like my little Alivia says, "Taylor is happy. She's with Jesus and we will see her again". We can be happy too. Let us all have faith that God will make right the pain felt in mortality and one day we will rest from our afflictions. 

And let's build our faith on the One who has truly walked in our shoes. The One who gets it. The One who suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for this very reason. For me. The One who suffered for us all. Gethsemane. Jesus loves All of us. So He gave this gift to all of us. And wants us to use it. I express my gratitude that in my Gethsemane and in yours that we are not alone.

And I'll take a moment to thank those of you who loved Taylor. Thank you to those of you who gave her attention. Pedro and Charlie most of all. Two eleven-year-olds loved this little toddler. I've never seen anything like it. It was the cutest thing, and she loved them. The best part was in Primary seeing her with Charlie and Pedro. I felt like when she died it wasn't just our family losing a baby, I felt like the ward lost a baby. For that I was grateful. I was grateful to have that support. There is no way to thank you for that. 

Tyson, Natalie and Alivia. I love you so much and I love your Dad. He's a good man! I'm so glad that we are a forever family. I'm grateful to know what I know. To be apart of this church. To know about the eternities. It's in the scripture. You can find it. And I love this gospel. And I say these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.