4 1/2 months after

What you think you can do you can't, what you think will be tough is easy. I thought church would be refreshing, spiritual, and rejuvenating. Instead it reminded me so much of what I didn't have with me. It felt like torture for the first few weeks. I felt like everyone was watching us. They were and that's okay. It is harmless and everyone has a natural curiosity in the matter. I couldn't be in Primary anymore cause that's where she always was. I found myself avoiding the mother's lounge. In fact, I still haven't been in there since. It's a good thing that we were in the middle of practicing for the primary program because I wasn't in charge of much. This was crazy. So the only sharing time lesson I gave after the accident the lesson said, ask a mother in the ward to bring in her baby and talk about keeping it safe. Bring in road signs and talk about road safety. It's the only time I ever said a bad word in the church building. I read that and went, no way am I doing this. So needless to say the Bishop and I discussed switching callings. I am now in the young women's presidency and enjoying that. So the firsts: oh I could go on for days about this. The first time you see the swing she always used at the park you cry. You find a sock that was hidden behind the drier. Triggers are everywhere. For me they are her: changing station, car seat, and most of all diapers. Triggers are different for everyone. Sometimes you forget their gone. Sooooo many times I would think, oh she's just sleeping in the other room I should probably go check on her, I should go wake her up so she go to bed at a decent hour, i would fix her some food. I've actually made up a pot of her favorite noodles and it wasn't until I was dishing it up did I remember. I've turned the radio on in the car, and realizing how loud it was I quickly turned it off and looked back to see if she was still asleep in the car seat and the. Realized there was no car seat. Ya know you make so many decisions for the funeral that you don't even want. You are the one that has to do it and you're not thinking clearly. I've learned that you don't ask, what can I do to help, you just do. Read the person. They probably can't tell you what they truly need. If they are usually cookers, bring them meals. If they don't have any money give them cash. If they are clean freaks, clean their home. If they are bike riders, pump up their bike tires. There were many touching moments. One of my favorites was having the kid's church teachers show up with gifts and treats for the kids. That was so needed for them. Also, when my house was cleaned and Taylor's room repainted. I will never forget that. I was over whelmed with the food brought over, the letters, the gifts. I needed so badly the "checking in" on me through texting from family and friends.