Christmas letter 2012

So this has been a year full of ups and downs. Eric traveled more this year than ever before and yet it's been his best year for work. He's staying busy and really loves what he does. Tyson had baseball, basketball, swimming lessons and football. All of which he loved. He was baptized, started boy scouts, and is now working on his Faith In God award. Natalie started Kindergarten this year. She is learning so fast and says her favorite subject is recess. Natalie also got to go to Safety Town with Brooke and Sabrina (her cousins). Alivia and Natalie also did swimming lessons during the summer. During the spring they enjoyed ballet, and they keep asking when they can do it again. I think Alivia was in it for the tutu. Alivia is trying to keep up with Natalie. She wants to do homework and chores at age 3. She is my little helper. We lost our Taylor in an unfortunate car accident in July. Before she passed she was talking and just starting potty training. She could say the following: thank you, Mom, Dad, brobro for brother, and Nana for Natalie. She was signing too, though she usually signed "more" for just about everything.  We love our little angel and try to be the people that she would be proud of. We still have some sleepless nights but mostly we are doing well and enjoying each day as a gift from God. We miss Taylor everyday and now live for her older siblings and we still have so much to be thankful for. We are grateful for all the family and friends we have. We have been so blessed with so many people who care and have shown their love and support through a tremendously difficult time for our family. Merry Christmas to you all. Love, Kings

Nikki's talk

So many people have asked for copies of our sacrament talks that I figured I could just post it and make it easier on myself. 

Rodger and Melanie Hoffmas wrote:

Jesus climbed the hill to the garden still,

his steps were heavy and slow, love and a prayer took him there  

to the place only he could go

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me, so he went willingly to gethsemane,

he felt all that was sad, wicked or bad, all the pain we would ever know,

while his friends were asleep he fought to keep his promise made long ago,

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me, so he went willingly to gethsemane

the hardest thing that ever was done, the greater pain that ever was known,

the greatest battle that ever was won this was done by Jesus,

the fight was won by Jesus 

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me, so he gave his gift to me in gethsemane

I've thought about these words a lot lately. The song talks about Christ suffering in the Garden of gethsemane  He suffered for all pain, guilt, hurt, sins of every kind you can image. He suffered these for all of us. Well most of u know our daughter died about 4 months ago. I can't believe it has been four months. And this has been my gethsemane  And I feel like we all have our gethsemanies, well this is definitely my deepest and hardest one. I've been asked and people have wondered; has this tested my faith or testimony? Well, to that, I say - of course it has. Trials tend to do that, don't they? They help you find out exactly where your testimony lies. What you believe in. What you feel is true in this lifetime and in the next. Well, we can't truly know until the trial of faith where our faith lies, right? There have been many trials that have tested our faith to it's very core. And when our Taylor died, who was 16 months old, I was reminded exactly how important it is to have a testimony. And I've always had a testimony of the atonement, and yet what was really interesting to me is that it was hard for me to take this trial to the Lord. I've been raised in this church. I've been raised by good parents who taught me about Christ and that your heart could heal. And yet, it took weeks after the funeral for me to take this to the Lord. I was relying on family and friends. I didn't want to take it to the Lord because I felt like somehow it was accepting the reality that I lost her and I really didn't want this as my reality. I felt like if I had taken this to the Lord it was saying that it was ok that she was gone. And to me it wasn't. So I was kinda dealing with it on my own, until I woke up one morning bitter, mad, angry, hurt, frustrated, and all these other emotions I couldn't wrap my head around. And so I took it out on our punching bag in our garage and I punched on it until I literally could not punch anymore. I fell to the ground and I was just sobbing and I thought Ok, Ok, It was time, I'm going to take this to my elder brother. 

So I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. And I prayed like He had no idea what was going on in my life. And I prayed until I could say those words that had been said by Christ himself so many years ago, "Thy will be done". After I said, Thy will be done, in that moment; I was comforted. For me, I had nothing less than a loafs and fished miracle. 

Brothers and Sisters, the veil is thin. God is good. Christ loves us. And this I know for certainty. Christ wants to wrap his arms around you so much when we are hurting and say, "I get it. I've been there. This is why I died for you. This is why I suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane." And a lot of people can say that they've been there, but who really knows exactly how we feel but Christ. 

Now, I do want to explain something, when I said "Thy will be done" to my Father in Heaven, it did not take my trial away. I want to make this clear. It DID help me endure it. "Thy will be done," in a sense, that we can turn our lives over to God's plan. Not our plan, but God's plan. Cause, if you know me I like things a certain way and I'm a planner and this was NOT in my plan. But excepting this reality and turning to God is what needed to happen to let myself heal through the atonement. Now I feel like I have the power to endure this trial after praying and allowing the Lord to help me. Now, the healing process can begin.

I've come to realize that every human has the capacity to heal. Like a broken bone it may not heal perfectly but it can heal. There will always be a hole in my heart because she is not here with us, but the edges of that hole can heal. That broken bone can mend, mostly. We CAN move forward. Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the twelve apostles says, "Does this mean that we always understand our challenges? Don't all of us sometimes have reason to ask, Oh God, where art thou? Yes. We will. When a spouse dies. A companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wonder from the path a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, our weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Then in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying Thy will be done." 

Now we are here on earth to be tested. Our greatest tests are adversity. We all have adversity. It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, how much money you make, or what calling you hold. I like this quote from Shari Dew, "Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, what we really believe, and what we really want to become, and how we feel about our Father and His Son." I like that a lot. I also think that faith is a key componant to all this. Faith doesn't mean that if you live righteously you are never going to suffer. But it does mean that when life happens you have a way to handle it. Often we do not know what you can handle until after the trial of your faith. Like our earthly parents, our Heavenly parents can not shelter us from all aches and pains as hard as they may try. Sometimes accidents just happen. Sometimes we fall and we have to get up. Our Heavenly Father had to let his only begotten son die. Was this easy for him? No. But He rose again, and so will Taylor. 

What an incredibly hard thing Jesus did for us dying on the cross and suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, and what a hard thing our Heavenly parents had to endure to let it happen. God's child also died who was perfect like a sixteen month old baby. I'm so grateful that this life is not the end. I always thought that I would be the one to greet my children on the other side of the veil. But I am comforted by the words of Joseph Smith (he says this at the funeral of a young child), "A mother may ask, will I have my children in eternity? Yes. Yes, mothers you shall have your children. For they shall have eternal life. For their dept is paid."

The doctrine is taught that we will have the joy of nurturing Taylor after her resurrection until her body reaches the full stature of her spirit. We will have greater joy than we can possibly image in mortality because she is free from the sorrow, sins, and disabilities of this life. She is saved for the Celestial Kingdom. I'm one for four. I'm happy about that.

This life is just a moment in the eternities. And I'm positive that my Heavenly Father will continue to give me those sweet tender mercies that come to us to help us endure the trials that we are given. And I want to share one of those tender mercies with you (and I've shared this with a lot of you). I was lamenting one day that I don't have a lot of video of Taylor in a world where we have video capabilities on our phones. I was flipping through my phone and I found two pretty lengthy videos that she had taken of herself. A little baby turning it around seeing her face in the phone. And she taped every little piece of her face and then her toes and her knees. It is sweet. It is tender. We have those a lot. Another reason God is good. 

God's greatest will for us is to find joy. Unfortunately, we can't do this without pain and turning to our maker. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come unto me ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest". If we are tired and weary, if we are suffering we can come to Him. He asks us to come to Him. How do we come to Him? Through prayer. 

So now it's time to keep our mind on the eternal perspective of things. Instead of mourning, we have reason to rejoice that our Taylor is delivered from this lone and dreary world. Like Elder Bowen said in this last General Conference, "I wait for the day when I can reach the fullness of my joy when my entire family will be reunited. Until then, I move forward because joy and happiness will abound in our home. There is much to enjoy in this lifetime. And like my little Alivia says, "Taylor is happy. She's with Jesus and we will see her again". We can be happy too. Let us all have faith that God will make right the pain felt in mortality and one day we will rest from our afflictions. 

And let's build our faith on the One who has truly walked in our shoes. The One who gets it. The One who suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for this very reason. For me. The One who suffered for us all. Gethsemane. Jesus loves All of us. So He gave this gift to all of us. And wants us to use it. I express my gratitude that in my Gethsemane and in yours that we are not alone.

And I'll take a moment to thank those of you who loved Taylor. Thank you to those of you who gave her attention. Pedro and Charlie most of all. Two eleven-year-olds loved this little toddler. I've never seen anything like it. It was the cutest thing, and she loved them. The best part was in Primary seeing her with Charlie and Pedro. I felt like when she died it wasn't just our family losing a baby, I felt like the ward lost a baby. For that I was grateful. I was grateful to have that support. There is no way to thank you for that. 

Tyson, Natalie and Alivia. I love you so much and I love your Dad. He's a good man! I'm so glad that we are a forever family. I'm grateful to know what I know. To be apart of this church. To know about the eternities. It's in the scripture. You can find it. And I love this gospel. And I say these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Eric's poem and talk

July twenty-seven

Was a day that changed our life
How quickly our perspectives changed 
With heartache, grief, and strife

To lose a child suddenly
One early on in years
Is something that cannot be expressed

There are no words, just tears

And yet somehow in our tragedy
Amid our grief and strife
We witnessed God’s eternal love
And again it changed our life

When darkness comes in the still of night
And sleep is hard to find
We turn to Him who knows our pain
He knows our state of mind

Prayers are heard and answered too
In this there is no doubt
We have seen at every turn 
What Christ’s gospel’s all about

Our baby girl’s no longer here
On earth with us to dwell
But in our Heavenly Father’s plan 
We know that she is well

One thing that we have always learned 
Is families are forever
Through covenants and through faith in God
We are bound together

And so each day we must take time
For study and reflection
To learn of God and His plan for us 
And move in His direction

So we can return and live with Him
And our loved ones gone before
Death is an essential part
To live forever more

So when this life on earth is done 
With Taylor we will be 
Again united for all time 
To live eternally

For all of you who’ve done so much 
We wish to thank sincerely
For kind support and service to us
We truly love you dearly

These last four months has been one of the greatest trials of my life. And as I have had time to reflect and ponder on the plan of our Heavenly Father, I have come to appreciate one of many truths. But one in particular is the principle of agency. Why agency? Because I believe that we have the choice in all things to choose.

We can choose to be happy and move forward and seek the good amongst the bad. Or we can choose to lay down and make excuses for why we are not moving forward. For why our life isn’t as good as somebody else’. For why we are not going to live accordingly to the commandments that we have been given. It is easy say when life gives you lemons; make lemonade. But it’s a lot more difficult to when the punch of odor of lemon is overwhelming.

In one of the last sessions of General Conference Elder Daniel Johnson said our discipleship will be developed and proven not by the type of trials we face, but how we endure them. It doesn't matter if we are facing a loss of a loved one, unemployment, sickness, divorce, whatever it might be. There is a lot of trials that will come and go. It’s not of importance of what we face, but how we face it. And how we choose each day to how we live our life.

During this last four months we had the opportunity to attend a hospice greif camp. The name of the camp was Camp Compass. I really wasn't thrilled about going to this. This is not my cup of tea. I have a wonderful support network and I thought if I want to talk I have plenty people who are willing to talk and listen. However we went as a family. It was interesting to me as I reflect upon this experience that it was called Camp Compass because I had an opportunity to talk to with many other people who were in a similar situations to our own whether they lost children or spouses or loved ones.

They seemed to be searching for some meaning. Some direction in life on how to deal with all this. And the truth that I took away from this is just how fortunate I am to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. Because I already had my compass. I already knew the truths of the gospel and the peace that it brings to us.

Life does not begin at birth and it does not end when we die. But a lot of these people did not know these simple truths. And so they were searching for direction. They have been searching for sometime. Some of them three to five years, and yet the wound seemed as fresh as ours was just weeks before. Why the difference? Sweet is the peace the gospel brings. Because our Heavenly Father promises that if we come unto Him our burdens will be lifted or lightened. Not taken away. We still have our rough days. There are still times that it seems overwhelming, but we know the truth of the gospel.

In 1 Corinthians 15:19 the Apostle Paul said, “If in this life only we have hope in Christ we of all men are most miserable.” This isn’t the end. In the Old Testament the Lord told the prophet Jeremiah, “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee. Before tho camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee and ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. He told Abraham, when speaking with him, “The Lord has showed unto me the intelligence that were organized before the world was and among these were the great and nobles ones and God saw these souls.”

And it says as Jesus passed by He saw a man which was blinded from his birth and his disciples asked him saying Master who did sin did this man or his parents that he was born blind. Jesus answered, “Neither him or his parents but that the works of God should be manifest in Him.”

Bad things happen to good people. Is it God’s will? No. Not necessarily. But He allows them to happen so that He can show his tremendous power, His love, the sacrifice that was made on our behalf. I have been blessed with a perspective which has caused me never to ask Why me? And I have felt guilty at times because maybe I should be feeling sometimes like other people think I should. And yet, I have realized that our Heavenly Father has blessed us with the strength to deal with our trials and tribulations. And as I talk with other people I have the feeling, wow, I’m sure glad I don’t have to deal with the things that other people deal with. Fortunately, we can all have that perspective and hopefully we will not face trails that we can not overcome with our Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ.

October 2006, Joseph B. Wirthlin gave an address in conference and it was recommended that we read this together as a family after Taylor had passed away, which we did. And I count it a great blessing and one of the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father that I was given this article. I generally don’t like to read from the pulpit, but I will because I don’t want to leave anything out of his comments.

He said. “I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.”

It was a Friday evening that Taylor was hit by a car and killed, so I can testify that dark Fridays will be apart of our lives, but I also know that as Paul taught the Corinthians He was the first fruits of them that slept. In 1 Corinthians chapter 15, it says, “But now is Christ risen from the dead and become the first fruits of them that slept. For since by man came death by man came also the resurrection of the dead for as in Adam all die even so in Christ shall all be made alive. After His resurrection, the resurrected Lord appeared to His apostles. They were talking amongst themselves. In the book of Luke we read of the time that is says Jesus himself stood in the midst of them and they were terrified and affrighted and supposed they had seen a spirit. And He said, “It is I myself; handle me and see. For a spirit hath not flesh and bones and ye see me have”.

There will come a time when our spirits will be reunited with our physical bodies, just as our spirits lived before we were born. And we were born into tabernacle of flesh and bones here on earth. We will die a physical death as is the course nature. But we will be reunited with our physical body and have the opportunity to live with our Heavenly Father once again. We did live before we were born and life does not end after this life is over.

My life is but a weaving between my Lord and Me

I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow

And I in foolish pride

Forget that He seeth upper and I the underside

Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvis and explain the reason why

The dark threads our as needful in the weaves skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned

God loves each one of us. He knows our pain. He knows our sorrow. And yet, He wants us to have joy. It is our choice what choice of action we will take. It is our choice to find the good or wallow in the bad. Choose ye this day whom you will serve. As for me and my house; we will serve the Lord.

3 months after Taylor

So to shout it from the rooftop and to the counselor that Eric and I went to see, I am and will always be the mother of 4 kids not 3. The first three months are full of days where u get mad, you're ok, you get weepy all the time, you place blame, you are so wrapped up in your own sadness it's hard to think of other things. The slightest thing will set you into a whirlwind. There are so many triggers all around. We changed bedrooms, and packed all belongs up within two weeks so I could move on. I needed that. I didn't want to loose anything and I didn't want it so much in my face. Nightmares, not sleeping, not eating or eating too much just becomes part of you're days and weeks. Tyson has done so well by two months after and the same goes for Alivia. Natalie has taken more like 4 months to ease up even a little bit. She is so scared that Ali will be hurt. Natalie truly hurts my heart when she has her nightmares ever night at 9:40. She went through a time where she wouldn't wake up she just mumbled nonsense and screamed. It was like reliving that night all over again. It's awful. Those have calmed a bit but she still checks on Alivia all the time and is cautious of cars. Oh time needs to speed up and slow down all at the same time. Natalie is seeing a grief, PTSD, child couselor. It's gone okay. She mostly reads books to Natalie and talks about how everything must die at some point. Maybe that is not the right thing to do but I am doing what I think is right at the time I do it. I find myself avoiding Taylor's picture on my wall by the front door. It's easier sometimes to not be reminded every time I walk down the hallway. I assume that will ease with time, but for now I feel guilty for wanting to hide it all until I want to get it out voluntarily. Some nights I just dream about her. She is so cute. It doesn't help that I've spent so much of my time saving her pictures, making a memory book, and compiling DVDs of her.

4 1/2 months after

What you think you can do you can't, what you think will be tough is easy. I thought church would be refreshing, spiritual, and rejuvenating. Instead it reminded me so much of what I didn't have with me. It felt like torture for the first few weeks. I felt like everyone was watching us. They were and that's okay. It is harmless and everyone has a natural curiosity in the matter. I couldn't be in Primary anymore cause that's where she always was. I found myself avoiding the mother's lounge. In fact, I still haven't been in there since. It's a good thing that we were in the middle of practicing for the primary program because I wasn't in charge of much. This was crazy. So the only sharing time lesson I gave after the accident the lesson said, ask a mother in the ward to bring in her baby and talk about keeping it safe. Bring in road signs and talk about road safety. It's the only time I ever said a bad word in the church building. I read that and went, no way am I doing this. So needless to say the Bishop and I discussed switching callings. I am now in the young women's presidency and enjoying that. So the firsts: oh I could go on for days about this. The first time you see the swing she always used at the park you cry. You find a sock that was hidden behind the drier. Triggers are everywhere. For me they are her: changing station, car seat, and most of all diapers. Triggers are different for everyone. Sometimes you forget their gone. Sooooo many times I would think, oh she's just sleeping in the other room I should probably go check on her, I should go wake her up so she go to bed at a decent hour, i would fix her some food. I've actually made up a pot of her favorite noodles and it wasn't until I was dishing it up did I remember. I've turned the radio on in the car, and realizing how loud it was I quickly turned it off and looked back to see if she was still asleep in the car seat and the. Realized there was no car seat. Ya know you make so many decisions for the funeral that you don't even want. You are the one that has to do it and you're not thinking clearly. I've learned that you don't ask, what can I do to help, you just do. Read the person. They probably can't tell you what they truly need. If they are usually cookers, bring them meals. If they don't have any money give them cash. If they are clean freaks, clean their home. If they are bike riders, pump up their bike tires. There were many touching moments. One of my favorites was having the kid's church teachers show up with gifts and treats for the kids. That was so needed for them. Also, when my house was cleaned and Taylor's room repainted. I will never forget that. I was over whelmed with the food brought over, the letters, the gifts. I needed so badly the "checking in" on me through texting from family and friends.

The first four months

Wow where do I begin? Not sure why but I feel impressed to write about the "real" things parents go through in the first day through the first four months after loosing a child maybe this will help someone, maybe I will have to deal with another loss, maybe I will write a book, who knows. There aren't many books out there that talk about dealing with the first year. Sure everyone's experience is different but let me tell you about mine. This is not ment to be depressing, so please don't take it that way, it is a chance to share the real "behind the scenes" feelings and experiences and growth. The first four months: I feel hurt and angry when I see a baby girl. Not a boy, but a girl. Sometimes it's not a bad feeling but a feeling of wanting to have someone drop a baby on my doorstep and say, hey I'm not going to take care of her will you? I then proceed to take that baby and raise her as I would Taylor. Now will this happen, no, nonetheless it crosses my mind more than I would like. I see other parents not paying attention to their children and it makes me mad. I was never perfect but I am getting better at parenting. I'm not saying I want another child right now, I just want to feel that void. Having another child would NOT feel that void. It is something that will be there forever. The stages of grief are very real. The emotions are all consuming at times and then other times you can sit back and enjoy the sweet memories and smile. Not every day is completely difficult, but the hard part is you never know when a "trigger" will hit and it can destroy your happy mood. There is also the guilt that comes from being happy. There is Nothing wrong with being happy. In fact; that is what she would want, but this guilt that sits in the pit of your stomach has to be suppressed. In fact I found myself one day trying to look sad one day at church to not minimize what I lost. That's ridiculous, but true. We have all blamed ourselves. What if we did must one thing different that day? I analyzed what I did that day to the last hour and you nitpick at all the things you could have done different. I rejoice in the moments I took to kiss her that day, tickle her, and even say i love you and pat her on the bum. I rejoice that the day before I held her while she took her nap. All the things I did wrong that day I dare not write down, even though I feel I will never forget them, because it can consume you. I say that because it could have consumed me. Some days you dwell on it long enough to have an hour of tears, THEN you dry your eyes and get on with your day. You find your mission that day and you go and do. My mission usually involves being a great parent to the three kids. One of the hardest thing, speaking of guilt, is you would think I would be the most loving mother I could possibly be, but I'm not. I still sink back into my ways. This is not to diminish the progress I've made but to express that even those who have miracles happen in their lives don't always do what's right. You would think, if I were Laman or Lemuel and I saw an angel and he chasend me that I would be more like Alma the younger and would try not to sin again. We are still human. Martin Harris still lost the manuscript, Joseph Smith still asked, why me?, and Jesus said, "father if thou be willing remove this cup from me...." We just need to follow through with the last part of what Christ said, "...nevertheless not my will but thine be done." I try to remember to give in the will of my Father, not my own. I think of the sleepless nights I've experienced or the 14 hours of sleep I would get just to deal with our loss. I thing of those days where I ate nothing for four days and the other days where I drowned my emotions in food. I think of those days where it was too hard to talk to God and then those days where I spent most of the day in prayer. I must say, having a tragedy happen you find out who truly cares about you. you find out who has been in similar circumstances, how people deal with uncomfortable situations, and who believes in God. I've had people ignore me or avoid me-still to this day cause they don't know what to say. I've had people, when you say hello, they brake down into a childlike crying state and I had to comfort them. I had people say all the right things and some say all the wrong things. You recognize play-on words or phrases. The day after Taylor past I had asked someone where's Tyson? Their reply was, "oh your Dad ran him over to his house. Obviously meaning that Doug gave Tyson a ride to his house, but that's not how I processed it right away. You realize how many people say, "oh that would just kill me....if such and such happen..." not in my vocabulary anymore. You realize how often kids say in playing, "i'm gonna shoot you, i'm gonna kill you, or oh your dead." It becomes difficult to hear them play that way. You deal with emotions in so many ways when they are right at the surface. You tend to place blame or turn anger to those not even involved. There are days where you cry all day, then you literally run out of tears. You find days that are "knumb days." you feel nothing cause you are actually drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We all grieve differently.